Who does she think she is?

I got some lovely unsolicited feedback from a colleague today.

She said: "my favourite thing about you is that you have lots of well-informed opinions and you're not afraid to share them".

We reflected on how that can generate a "who does she think she is?!" response - often from people who wouldn't feel the same if it were a man being generous with his thoughts.

In terms of socialisation, boys are rewarded for assertiveness and confidence when girls are penalised for the same - instead girls are encouraged to be agreeable, not "bossy". This carries into the adult working world - when voicing opinions carries a higher reputational cost for professional women, they'll stay quiet. This is especially true for women in a minority, or surrounded by people of higher professional status/hierarchy - in these situations the perceived stakes of speaking your mind can be too great to risk it.

Professional competence and confidence are generally coded as masculine traits - when a woman displays them, she finds she can either be seen as competent OR likeable, not both. We're labelled difficult or arrogant or cold. And not just by men - other women apply these internalised norms just as readily, perhaps even more so. The tall poppy effect - where people cut others down to size when they feel they've elevated themselves too visibly - is alive and well in female professional networks.

Given all this, it really is lovely to feel seen and validated by my peers. I work hard to stay authentically me, I push myself to make the bold move, to speak the hard truths (provided, of course, that I believe it'll help us reach our shared goals faster) and as a result I spend a great deal of time outside of my comfort zone. So someone saying they appreciate it? It feels like a cuddle.

Please tell more of the brave women around you that you see them. It might seem like nothing, but it will mean more than you know.