Repairing damaged peer relationships

Most damaged lateral peer relationships never rupture. There's no row, no betrayal, no dramatic falling-out that you can point to as the moment it went wrong. The relationship just cools - someone pulls away instead of leaning toward.

We all have off weeks, but they can do disproportionate hidden damage for leaders. Especially in those relationships where you can amplify each other's impact but you're not dependent on each other for delivery - a peer outside of your line management chain, a leader in another department working on a related challenge, another leader in your profession. That's because nothing gets repaired because nothing demands it. There's no shared deadline forcing you to name the chill and work through it, and no line manager to clock it and call it out. And you're both busy, you have to want to seek each other out to make it happen - and now, at least one of you doesn't.

These are valuable relationships where collaboration can supercharge your individual efforts. Two leaders who back each other amplify each other: the introduction, the public word in the right room, doors opening, championing each others work. But it's discretionary, chosen rather than imposed - and no-one is on the hook for keeping things warm.

The consequence of letting it cool is invisible, so is underestimated. But can be a huge opportunity cost for your individual impact and careers. So why don't we fix it? Because naming it can be so awkward. We'd rather let a genuinely valuable relationship go cold than experience the internal cringe of admitting we were a dick and apologising for it.

The good news though is that you often don't need that conversation. Just as the cooling was invisible, reheating can be too. You need a gesture. Send them an opportunity, an article. Introduce them. Credit them somewhere that matters. The repair to the relationship is carried by the action, so that awkward sentence never has to be spoken aloud. And if you do want to say something - keep it light - "I don't think I showed up at my best and that bothered me".

So why not think about a relationship or two that you've cooled on but not fallen out with. A relationship that would be a real asset to restore - because they're usually the ones no-one is making you keep. And then do one small generous thing.